Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Randomize
