i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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