i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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