im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
