I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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