Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
