I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
