She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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