In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Come share oat with me in your robe
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
