sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
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I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
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My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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