How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
