She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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