dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
