I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
