Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
