well I can't set my house on fire every night
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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