Who wears a wallet chain?!
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize