Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
