Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
