i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
