If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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