She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
