EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
