My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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