i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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