That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
