In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
