I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
