I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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