I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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