yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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