Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
