We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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