I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
