btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
