He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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