saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
