I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
