i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
