if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
