im about as happy as oj after his trial
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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