It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
