he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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