My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
