the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
