aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
