I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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