yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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