and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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