Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
