So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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