Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
