I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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