Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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