I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
home. puking in laundry basket.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm bleeding and have questions
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
