You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
