My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
