so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
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Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
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I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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