We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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