It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
