Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
